In the "DRIVING SEAT".

Yesterday started exactly how I didn't want it to.

I awoke to a text from a friend who often enjoys inappropriate humour:

"Morning hot stuff.. I got my rail card through this morning, I can't wait for my train to board those tracks"

Actually this made me laugh. Quite a lot. Although, clearly I would never admit this to him.

I was all set for a pretty relaxed morning, with my appointment being at 10.40am. Unfortunately a last minute unforseen circumstance meant that my usual dental partner, mum, couldn't make it. Instead, stepping up to the mark was my 19 year old monosyllabic brother. At approximately 9.55am I found myself guilt tripping him into waking up so that he could "reassure me" en route. Blatantly, this wasn't what I had in mind and I wished my mum was there to gently stroke my cheek or something.

I quickly grabbed my appointment card before me and Monosyll jumped in my car. (driving myself to death was also something I had not planned). It was then I noticed that the appointment time was in fact 10.20am..NOT 10.40am. Naturally, this stressed me out quite a lot. As did the 15mph tractor I crawled behind half the way. As did Monosyll's heavy breathing. And also the fact that my cheek remained unstroked.

Miraculously, I managed to get to Lidl car park on time (since I had to pay for my own petrol on such an important day, I refused to pay £1-a-minute parking as well). After Monosyll declared he needed to "catch up on some Zzz's" legged it to the hospital. Alone.

The orthodontist waiting room always fascinates me. A collection of people with firmly closed mouths. I found myself wondering what contraptions lay hidden behind their perfected pouts. The nurse called my name, as soon as I opened my mouth to answer her... my teeth became very self concious as the many eyeballs glared at them.

As I shuffled into my execution room, I set eyes upon the toothy-unsympathetic-dwarf that is my orthodontist. After peering over his specs and looking me up and down. Twice. (something I considered unproffessional) he said:

"C'mon, jump on into the DRIVING SEAT!"

I then.. literally ..'jumped' into the 'driving seat'. I kid you not. Actually, it was probably more of a leap. Along with a "YIPPEEE!" As I lay, a crooked vulnerable prey, in the 'driving seat' that leap and my "YIPPEEE!" resonated in my head.. again and again. I cringed the whole way throughout the brace-procedure.

As I lay, with the "YIPPEEE!" still echoing inside me, I imagined what it would be like if my orthodontist was fit. As soon as I had began to mentally rehearse my sexy, seductive slither into the 'driving seat' along with a "Yes Sir" instead of the high-pitched "YIPPEEE!". Short-man spoke.

Again, I found myself lost in his ivories. My eyelids became heavy as he began to sing. The hypnoticism didn't last long this time. It was rudely interrupted with..

"Ok, thats all the very important stuff covered. Any questions?"

"Ummm, no.. I think I got it all, thank you"

I hadn't got anything but a mouth full of brace. As I shuffled through the waiting room, my braced teeth began to feel self-concious again.

I legged it back to Lidl car park. I tried to see my reflection in car windows, manically grinning and very slowly running my tongue along my brace. It only became apparent to me that this was weird behaviour when I realised one of the cars had some young kids in the back seat. Not only weird behaviour but unintentionally peadophilic?

Monosyll was fast asleep. I felt unfair waking him up. But, of course, I did anyway. He made a combination of deep grunts which I could only assume meant he wanted to see my brace. I aprehensively smiled.

"Ah. Yeah. S'alright." He sighed, rolled over and then fell back asleep.

The morning certainly did not go how I had meticulously planned. But, actually, I don't think it was a bad thing.

I drove home, positive, pleasantly surprised and EMBRACED.